How Marik and Bakura Stole Snow, Err, Christmas!
by Computerfreak101
Summary: Marik and Bakura hate snow. HATE it. So they plot to get rid of it. And since, in their minds, snow only comes at Christmas...well, something's gotta go, and you know what! A warped version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, psycho style!
1. Snow must DIE!

CF101: So it's the holidays and I thought I'd put this up. Inspiration struck, what can I say? It's a VERY warped version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, very warped. But I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Read on readers!

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It was Christmas Eve in Domino City, Japan, and the setting couldn't be more perfect. The entire city was covered by a blanket of milk white snow, with light drifts of it still coming down. Every building and street corner was festooned with wreaths and bells and lights, and the streets were a traffic nightmare as people tried to fit in some last minute shopping. Cries of "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" filled the air, and everyone was cheerful.

Well...not _everyone_.

Outside the Domino Mall stood two scowling figures. One was as pale as the snow around him, with hair you could barely distinguish from the falling snowflakes. His companion was a bronzed teen, with golden hair jutting up to the darkened sky dangerously. The two were bundled in heavy coats, scarves, and mittens, yet were still holding themselves to keep warm. They were given a wide berth by the shoppers, mostly because of the way they scowled and growled at everyone who so much as glanced at them.

Bakura growled and turned his face to the sky. "Curse this stuff. Curse it to the afterlife and back." He turned to Marik. "Remind me why we're out here again?"

Marik swiped his arm through the air, warding off a few snowflakes and growling as millions more fell on him. "Because our hikaris are in there…shopping, and we came out here to get away from those annoying mortals in the red suits."

"Then it started snowing," finished Bakura, turning his face to the sky. "Evil fluffy white stuff." Marik nodded, rubbing his arms with thick gloves.

"Amen." The two yamis were silent for a long while, each looking at the falling snow and cursing each snowflake to be devoured by Anubis.

"Heads up!" Bakura and Marik barely had time to scream as they were buried under a mound of snow kicked up by a snow plow.

"Sorry! Merry Christmas!" cried the driver, waving and continuing on his way, leaving two very angry yamis behind.

Bakura was the first to emerge from the mound of snow, shivering and tense, looking as shook up as a tabby thrown in an ice cold lake with no warning. Marik emerged seconds later, cursing snow, the driver, and the whole winter season in general and shaking himself to rid his body of the snow. He stopped when he noticed the looked on Bakura's face, which was a mixture of shock, and anger, with clenched teeth and shaking body.

"Bakura…"

The thief was silent, staring in the direction the plow had left. Then…

"SNOW MUST DIE!" Marik jumped away from his friend, tripping over himself and falling back into the snow. Sputtering, he shot up and glared at Bakura.

"And just _how_ do you plan to kill it?" Marik, of course, was being sarcastic but Bakura looked thoughtful, frowning.

"I don't know…yet." The spirit stood there, deep in thought while Marik stood up, shaking the snow off him for the second time. Then Bakura shouted, "I HAVE IT!" causing him to jump again.

"What? Have what?" yelled Marik, flailing his arms like a windmill to keep from falling a third time. Bakura grabbed him and clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Stop talking and listen. What do you hear?" Marik looked at him scathingly and listened. He heard bells, horns, and people yelling things to each other.

"What?"

"Christmas Marik, people are screaming 'Merry Christmas' to each other. Snow only comes during Christmas time, comes with the packaging you could say. So if we can just get rid of Christmas…"

"We get rid of the snow! Brilliant!" Marik frowned. "But how do we get rid of Christmas?" Bakura sighed again.

"Marik, look at these mortals. They're buying all this stuff. Christmas is _obviously_ about getting presents, even our hikaris know it! So all we have to do is steal all the presents in Domino City tonight, before Christmas, and we'll have stopped this holiday, and therefore the fluffy balls from the evil world of happiness and sunshine!" Marik shuddered as Ryou and Malik exited the mall, arms full of wrapped presents.

"Hey guys! Ready to go?"

"_Yes_," chorused the two, following Malik and Ryou to the car.

"Bakura," muttered Marik as Ryou and Malik began talking about tomorrow, "How are we going to steal all the presents in the city by tomorrow without getting caught and hit with spatulas and dictionaries by our lights?"

Bakura winked. "Trust me Marik, they don't call me the King of Thieves for nothing. I'll call you tonight with the plan." Marik gave Bakura an unsure look before following Malik into their car, leaving the albinos behind.

'_I just hope you know what you're doing Bakura,'_ he thought as Malik drove home.

O.o.O.o.O

Bakura sat on the couch in Ryou's living room with a large black notebook and fuzzy pen, deep in thought.

'_Okay…how to steal Christmas…how to steal all the presents in Domino in one night…come on Bakura, think!'_ The Thief King was so deep in thought, he didn't see Ryou come up behind him until he heard his voice in his ear.

"Hot choco-"

"GRAH!" Jumping three feet in the air Bakura fell off the couch in a heap, papers scattering around him. Ryou stared at him, two steaming mugs in his hand.

"-late?" Bakura glared at him.

"Ryou! Can't you see I'm plotting dastardly deeds to rid the world of the cursed 'snow'?" Ryou raised an eyebrow.

"…Maybe chocolate, or any type of sugar is a bad idea right now."

"Oh, just give it!" Bakura snatched the mug from his other half's hand, taking a long drink. "Maybe it'll help me…"

"Help you what?"

"Nothing!" Ryou frowned.

"Look, about your 'dastardly deed to get rid of snow'…it can wait until after Christmas, right?"

'_But it can't wait until after Christmas!'_ thought Bakura frantically. "Why?"

"Because Bakura, Christmas is a time for peace on Earth, and goodwill towards men. And besides, you don't want to be on Santa's naughty list, right?"

"…Who?"

"Santa Claus." Ryou rolled his eyes. "You know, St. Nick? Man in a red suit with a beard who comes every Christmas Eve at night on his sled to deliver presents to all the good children in the world? With his reindeer? I'm sure I told you about him."

You could almost see the light bulb appear above the yami's head. Santa Claus…the fat dude who delivered the presents! Bakura fought to keep the smirk on his face as he looked up at Ryou innocently.

"Very well hikari, I shall not do anything to stop the snow tonight." Ryou smiled.

"Oh good! Now I'm going to go wrap some more presents. Bye!" Bakura waved as Ryou disappeared up the steps then punched the air triumphantly.

"Yes! It's perfect!" He smirked. "Oh, I won't try to stop snow tonight…but I never said anything about trying to stop Christmas. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Bakura! Keep it down!"

"_MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

O.o.O.o.O

"So…let me get this straight," asked Marik. He was standing outside the men's dressing room in the costume shop, watching old ladies trying on stripper outfits. Marik turned his face away from the sight and spoke to his friend. "You're going to dress up as this Santa guy, and sneak into every house in the city and steal the presents after the fat guy delivers?"

"Yep! And when I-"

"We," corrected Marik.

"…_We_ steal Christmas, we will in doing so stop the evil snow! It's genius I tell you, sheer genius!"

"Yeah, genius," muttered Marik as Bakura came out.

"Well?" Marik eyed his friend who was dressed in a red suit that was _way_ too big on him. Because the costume was designed for a much…_wider_ person, it hung very loosely on his arms and legs, which Bakura kept tripping over as he turned around. The hat came down over his nose.

"It was the last one left!"

"…" Marik starred for another minute before he burst out laughing. "AHAHAHA, YOU-YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!" Bakura pushed the hat up to glare at his friend before smirking evilly.

"I'd shut up if I were you."

"And-hahaha- and why's that?" Bakura smirk grew wider as he walked (or rather, stumbled) over to the blonde. Marik's stopped laughing as Bakura held up an antler headpiece and a red, blinking nose.

"I still need a reindeer."

"……O.O"

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CF101: (laughs) I'm going to enjoy writing this. The story will be a three part thing, most likely, but it could very well change. Still don't know. But anyway, hope you liked it.

For Bakura, imagine a five year old in an adults XX Large shirt, and that's what we've got.

Review!


	2. Sleighs Ahoy!

CF101: Oh…my…God. This has to be the fastest update I have ever done. Wow…But I guess it's to be expected, since I am now beginning my glorious two week Winter Break! Yay me! ) This actually would have been up yesterday, but I ran into some technical difficulties. But it's here, and still probably my fastest update. So enjoy everyone!

I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. 'Nuff said.

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"I hate you."

Bakura smirked, running his eyes up and down Marik's body.

"Aw, but you look so cute!" Marik glared and tried his best to look menacing. And he would have probably pulled it off, had it not been for the flashing red nose and large antlers he was wearing. Not to mention the brown wool suit with black mittens and slippers. And _tail_.

"It really brings out your eyes you know."

"Why me?"

"Because the reindeer are Santa's minions. And since you are _my_ minion-"

"I AM NO MINION!" screamed Marik, fuming.

"Hey if the nose fits, wear it."

"Why you…!" Marik tried to lunge at Bakura and strangle him. Tried. Instead he ended up tripping over his slipper hooves and falling flat on his face. He growled as Bakura started laughing.

"Shut up." Marik got up, and pushed his antlers back onto his head. "Besides, reindeer are only Santa's pets whom he forces to pull his sorry butt every Christmas. The elves are his minions."

"Who told you that?"

"Malik."

"Oh." Bakura looked around. "Elves huh?" He smirked as his eyes fell on another costume. Marik followed his gaze and paled. Bakura was eyeing a hideous lime green leotard and tights, green pointed shoes with bells, complete with hat and fake plastic ears.

"Well I guess you could be an elf if you wanted…" said Bakura, walking to the costume.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Marik lunged forward only to trip again and fall at his fellow yamis feet. He grabbed Bakura's ankles and looked at him with huge puppy eyes. "Pleeeaaassse 'Kura, don't make me wear that! I'll be a good minion I swear! Just **please**-"

"Alright, alright!" Bakura yanked his feet free from Marik's grasp and looked around. "Just pull yourself together, you're embarrassing! You're a yami, remember! Yamis don't beg unless their hikaris are about to do something drastic, like hit them repeatedly with evil feather dusters and taking away their chocolate!"

"Not the chocolate!" Marik scrambled to his feet. "Okay, okay, I'll be good."

Bakura face palmed. "No, you can't be good! Yamis aren't good!"

"So I should be bad?"

"Yes!"

"Oh. But when I was bad you said-"

"**Forget what I said!**" Bakura screamed, actually jumping up and down, red in the face. The people in the shop stared at him, backing away slowly. Bakura glared at them. "What? Can't a guy go crazy because of his stupid friend around here! SCRAM!" Jumping the shoppers ran away from the crazed spirits.

"I swear, girls these days," muttered a woman to her friend as she passed them. "Their hormones are just so out of control."

"Must be their time of the month," agreed her friend. Bakura twitched and promptly sent them to the Shadow Realm.

"Bakura?" Marik eyed the white haired teen nervously. "…You okay?"

Bakura took several deep breaths. "Fine. Just…_fine_."

"Good! Now about this whole 'good and bad yami' thing-" Bakura screamed in frustration, grabbing his friend and stumbling out the door, not bothering to remove his Santa suit.

"Hey wait!" cried the cashier in a nasally voice. "You have to pay for those!"

Bakura sent him and his nasally voice to the Shadow Realm and continued to drag Marik down the street, ignoring the stares they got.

"Uh…where are we going?" asked Marik.

"To find a sleigh."

O.o.O.o.O

"I can't believe I know you."

"Shut up."

"A sleigh Bakura? Why do we have to get a sleigh?"

"Because I said so."

"Why can't we just use Shadow Magic?" whined Marik, pouting.

Bakura sighed, and stopped typing. "We're supposed to be impersonating San what's-his-name. How do you think he delivers all that loot?"

"The reindeer?" Marik gestured to his costume. "Reindeer with monstrous colds?" he added, staring cross-eyed at his blinking nose.

"You think he _rides_ them? They'd never get off the ground!" Bakura resumed typing. "The horned beasts pull a sleigh that carries the fat man and the presents. So we need a sleigh." Marik groaned, falling backwards onto Bakura's bed. Thankfully when Bakura fell over the threshold (after tripping for the millionth time and bringing Marik down with him) Ryou wasn't home. He had left Bakura a note saying he was out with Yugi and the others and would be back that night. Bakura had pulled himself up the stairs, not trusting to walk anymore and had gotten onto the computer and went to searching for sleighs. Marik groaned again and raised his arm, counting the numerous bruises he had gotten from falling down with Bakura. Curse him…

"It's for the good of mankind Marik," said Bakura, as if reading his mind. He didn't stop typing as he said, "Just think: we're doing everyone a favor by getting rid of the snow. So they don't get presents tonight, big deal. If they're smart, they'll do a me and steal what they wanted."

"Wait, we're doing good? But I thought we're supposed to be bad."

"**Don't** start that again." Marik sighed, grabbing the December issue of _Flamethrower's Monthly_.

'_It's too bad we can't just melt the snow,' _he thought, admiring a black one that spit flames forty feet. He imagined Kaiba Corp burning and grinned. Then he imagined Kaiba's own personal firing squad showing up at his door and frowned. _'Never mind…'_

"Aha! Sleighs ahoy!" Marik raised a blonde eyebrow and walked over to the computer.

"You found a sleigh?"

"Not just a sleigh!" Bakura moved so Marik could see the monitor better. "The Supermatic Slaying Sleigh Version 3.56838! Complete with tracking system, turbo engines, and the coolest horn ever!"

"Coolest horn?"

"Yeah. Press it and it laughs maniacally. Horn after my own heart." Bakura wiped away an imaginary tear. "It's perfect!"

"The horn or the sleigh?"

"Both."

"Oh." Marik looked at the sleigh, which was jet black with the words S.S.S 3.56838 in silver lettering. His eyes bulged out when he saw the price. "Ninety nine thousand dollars?"

"And ninety nine cents," added Bakura cheerfully. Marik sputtered.

"We don't have that kind of money! We'd have to get jobs! And no one would hire us! So then we'd have to sell all of our stuff and become hobos, living in the streets right where the evil snow is! And then we'll freeze, shrivel up and be blown away to be eaten by rabid chipmunks! Oh the humanity!" Bakura sighed, shaking his head and picking up the phone next to the computer. He listened, nodded and hung up. Marik stared at him.

"What was that about?"

"The Shadow Realm called. Your brain's looking for you."

_SMACK!_

Bakura rubbed the back of his head, pouting. "Geez, can't you take a joke?"

"Back to the point Bakura! Chipmunks!"

"Oh stop whining, I already ordered the thing."

"You did?" asked Marik as the doorbell rang. He followed Bakura downstairs, still confused. "Where'd you get the money?"

"Hacked into Kaiba's accounts and borrowed a few thousand bucks. It was his Christmas gift to the deserving yamis of the world," Bakura explained, opening the door.

"…"

"…"

The two of them were silent as they stared at the large sleigh on Bakura's doorstep. A balding man with red shades stood hunched over next to it, holding a clipboard.

"Meezter Bakura?" he asked in a cheesy Dracula accent.

"Yep."

"Sign heeere." The man gave the clipboard to Bakura, and started wringing his hands, still rocking back and forth. Marik gave him a weird look as Bakura signed the papers and handed them back to the man who was now humming the theme to _Love Boat_. The man snatched the clipboard back before seizing Marik's shirt and pulling him down to eye level.

"You never saw meeee!" he screamed. "I vaz not heeere! Any arrests or beeeatings from here on out are not my problem!" Giving an insane, high pitched laugh, he ran to a black SUV in the road and drove off, still laughing. Marik opened his mouth but the sound of sirens and choppers cut him off. Looking up the yamis saw two helicopters and four police cars speeding down the road, chasing the SUV. They disappeared around the corner.

Marik and Bakura looked at each other.

_**BOOM!**_

The two ancient spirits jumped as something exploded in the distance. A foreign object flew through the air and landed at their feet. It was a burnt pair of red shades.

"…" Marik looked at Bakura, who silently walked over to the sleigh and pushed the horn on the Supermatic Slaying Sleigh Version 3.56838.

"**MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

Bakura grinned insanely and turned to Marik.

"Christmas is as good as gone!"

Marik looked in the direction of the SUV, where a pillar of smoke was rising and people were screaming. Then he looked down at the shades and back at the smoke. He shrugged, pocketing the burnt eyewear.

"My life is so messed up."

"Ah, you know you love it," said Bakura, stuffing the sleigh in the Shadow Realm via the Millennium Ring. "Let's go, we leave in three hours!" Bakura turned to go back in the house but tripped, once again, on the pants the came a foot past his own feet and landed face first in the snow.

Marik sweat dropped. "You sure it wasn't your brain that's looking for you?"

"Shut up."

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CF101: Okay, now they've got the transportation. Next chapter, Bakura and Marik actually steal Christmas! That's gonna be SO much fun to write!

And I KNOW the Japanese use yen, but I don't know anything about it, so we're using dollars in this.

And this will NOT be a three part thing after all. Sorry, but like I said, things change very easily. This should be around four, maybe five chapters, if everything goes the way I want it to.

Review for this very fast update! And YAY for Winter Break!


	3. MY EYES!

CF101: Okay, something's wrong with me. Another fast update. This is a record, a shattering record, should be in the headlines kind of thing. Three chapters written in less then a month! (gasps) I must be ill.

But this chapter is one I am really proud of, and I _was_ ill from laughter after writing it. Hope you enjoy.

I own NOTHING but the fic. NOTHING, we clear?

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'**Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring…**

…Except two 5,000 year old spirits.

Marik grumbled as he waited in the Supermatic Slaying…ah, the Triple S. Sleigh impatiently, a thick jacket over his reindeer costume as the snow still continued to fall. Bakura was still inside doing who knows what and had left Marik outside to freeze.

"I swear…if he doesn't show his sorry butt in sixty seconds…"

"Hiya."

"WAHH!" Marik jumped and almost fell out of the sleigh. Turning he glowered at Bakura, who grinned cheekily at him.

"You know, you should really be more careful. That's the third time today that you've almost fallen spontaneously."

"Gee, I wonder why," replied Marik sarcastically. Then he did a double take. "Bakura, are you wearing _safety pins_?"

"Well I can't go tripping over my own pants all night now can I?" asked Bakura, climbing into the sleigh. Indeed, his pants and sleeves had been rolled up nine times (and were _still_ a little long, but short enough to move around in safely) and held together by a series of safety pins. The hat had been rolled up twice and was held together the same way. Bakura carried with him several large sacks and dumped them into the back of the sleigh before getting into the driver's seat. Marik stared at Bakura, paling a little.

"Y-You sure you want to drive?"

"Of course. Santa drives, so Bakura drives too."

"But…Bakura, you aren't exactly a perfect driver…"

"And just _what_ do you mean by _that_?" snapped the skinny Santa, placing his hands on his safety pin clad hips.

"Well…Bakura when you took your driver's test you ran over three cats, crashed into a tree, and made the driver's ears bleed because of the rap station you were playing."

"How was I supposed to know the guy had a low tolerance of cursing. Literally?" Bakura turned his attention to the sleigh, pushing a few buttons and starting it up. "Besides, I passed didn't I?"

"Only because you threatened to tie the guy to the top of the car when you drove back!" Bakura turned to Marik and pouted.

"Mawik…" He jutted out his lip and enlarged his eyes. "Can you honestly tell me that after all we have been through, you don't trust _me_, your bestest best friend?"

"No." Bakura's pout turned into a scowl.

"You know Ishtar, the reindeer are tied to the front of the sleigh when Santa delivers. Should I do the same to you?" Marik _meeped_.

"No, I'll be good!"

"Excellent." Bakura stood up. "Now Santa calls out the reindeer's names before he goes. So, uh…let's see…" He threw his arm out dramatically. "On Basher, on Ranter, on Pantsy and Nixon!"

"Oh brother." Marik rolled his eyes and noticed a large button with the word **GO** on it. He smirked.

"On Vomit, on Stupid, on Goner and-"

Marik pushed the button and with a loud explosion the Supermatic Slaying Sleigh Version 3.56838 shot off into the night, going from zero to 250 in five seconds.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK!"

O.o.O.o.O

"I said I was sorry."

"…"

"Come on, how was I supposed to know the thing would do that?"

Bakura sighed as he landed the sleigh on the roof of their first house with surprising gentleness. "You are _so_ lucky Ryou is such a heavy sleeper."

"You'd have to be dead not to hear that," muttered Marik as Bakura got out. "So now what?"

"I go down the chimney and steal the presents you twit," snapped Bakura, looking around. "That is, if there _was_ a chimney…shoot, now what?" As the white haired would be Santa Clause stood there thinking, he heard a thwacking sound. Turning, Bakura's eyes nearly bulged out of his head when he saw Marik hacking away at the roof with an axe.

"What are you doing!"

"Well, you know what they say, if there's no chimney, chop one yourself!"

"…Who said that?"

"Me!" Bakura face palmed and grabbed the axe away from the ugly reindeer. "You idiot, we are not chopping holes through peoples' roofs!"

"We're not?"

"No. Besides, where did you get an axe?"

"EBAY. I was bored and it was either that or a toenails manicure set."

"…Okay, moving right along. Chopping a hole through the roof would take too long. This is better." Closing his eyes, Bakura concentrated as the Millennium Ring started to glow. There was the sound like a bazooka mating with a plunger and a gaping hole appeared in the middle of the roof. Marik's eyebrows shot up as Bakura nodded, jumping through the hole and landing silently inside.

"I suppose that's one way to do it," the Egyptian muttered, squatting down near the hole and peering inside. "Hey, whose house is this?" he whispered.

"Yours."

"Mine!"

"Keep it down! Yes, yours, I already looted from our house. Now shut up and let the King work." Marik grumbled and rubbed his blinking nose.

"King of Idiots, maybe. OW!" The blonde yami fell back into the snow as something hit him in the face. Muttering curses, Marik sat up and saw his assailant was a present, wrapped in green paper with a red bow. It said _To Marik_.

"Ho ho ho," muttered Bakura climbing out with one of the sacks over his shoulder, which was now full of gifts. "Maybe that'll keep you quiet while I work." Marik glared at him and followed Bakura to the sleigh, looking at the present curiously. Bakura threw the sack into the back of the sleigh and got back into the drivers seat, just when Marik ripped open the gift like a madman, leaving bits of wrapping paper everywhere. Bakura growled as he pulled the bow off his hat and Marik cheered.

"YES! Malik finally caved in and got me shojo manga! Woo hoo!" Bakura rolled his eyes as Marik grabbed the comic and opened it, his eyes scanning the pages greedily. The Thief King shook his head as the Triple S. Sleigh rose in the air.

"Oh yes, his brain's gone." He edged away as Marik let out a girlish squeal at something in the manga. "And his manliness has just joined the search party."

Five minutes later the two of them landed on the roof of the Kame Game Shop. Smirking, Bakura stepped out of the sleigh, leaving Marik to his manga. Creating another hole, he jumped down…

…Onto Yugi's bed. Eyes widening in pure terror, Bakura mentally kicked himself. He forgot they had landed right above Yugi's room! He froze as Yugi stirred.

'_Oh bloody…this is it. This is the end, it's all over, the brat and the Pharaoh are going to send me to the shadows **again**!'_ Bakura's panicked thinking was cut off by Yugi grabbing his neck and pulling him down next to the short duelist.

"Oh Tea…you're so soft…be mine…Be mine, Tea divine…"

If Bakura wasn't so stunned he would have gagged. As it was, he was astounded that Yugi hadn't woken up, and the Pharaoh didn't seem to have noticed anything either. How did Bakura know this? He wasn't doing the backstroke in the Shadow Realm, for one thing. But there was still this problem, as Yugi was now whispering things that he would like to do to Tea in the yami's ear.

'_And they call him **innocent**?'_ he thought incredulously. _'These are things **I** would never do! Yugi, you dirty thing you.'_ Shaking his head, Bakura grabbed a Dark Magician plushie from the boy's bedside table and spent the next five minutes pulling off the switch. Finally the thief stood beside Yugi's bed, not in it, and left the room, leaving the plushie to suffer the telling of Yugi's fantasies.

"Good grief, and I thought Devlin was bad," Bakura muttered, slinking downstairs to the tree and presents. "The mutt's been showing him _way_ too many magazines." Still muttering under his breath, Bakura made quick work of the presents and left out of the front door this time. His ears had suffered enough as it was.

Marik looked up from his manga as Bakura climbed onto the roof from a nearby tree, grunting. "Uh…didn't you-"

"Never mind," snapped Bakura. "For the sake of any innocence you have left, trust me, **you don't want to know**." Raising an eyebrow, Marik shrugged as Bakura flew to Joey's place.

Ten minutes later…

"Marik I am telling you right now, **put down the manga**!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO" Marik wailed, dancing away from Bakura, who had spent the last ten minutes listening to Marik's squeals and comments about his comic and was quite sick of it.

"You can read it later, give it!" snapped Bakura, now thoroughly regretting his decision to give the book to Marik.

"Never!" This continued for a while before inspiration struck the tanned yami. Smirking, he concentrated as the Millennium Rod began to glow. Two seconds later there was a gaping hole right where Bakura was standing.

Giving a girlish scream, Bakura fell through the hole and landed on all fours, his back arched like a cat. Growling, Bakura turned to look up at Marik, who was smirking at him through the hole.

"And you call _me_ girly?"

"You wait Ishtar," snarled Bakura, standing up and shaking a fist. "I'll get you-and your little manga too!"

"Eep!" Clutching his precious book to his chest, Marik backed away from the hole to the Triple S. Sleigh, wondering if there was a security system that would shoot ancient manga hating thieves with marshmallows. He was disappointed to learn there wasn't, so he settled for defending himself with the plastic light saber they had gotten from Duke.

Who knew Dice Boy was a Star Wars fan? Just goes to show kids, you learn something new everyday.

Meanwhile, down in the Wheeler home, Bakura had stuffed every present in what had to be his three hundredth sack and was checking to see if he had missed anything. Seeing nothing, he was about to leave when a small box, wrapped in deep red paper, caught his eye. Smirking, he bent down to retrieve it, only to find it had a ridiculously large bow on it. Said bow was entwined mercilessly with the tree's branches.

"Dang it," muttered Bakura, squatting down to untangle the present. "What idiot puts this large of a bow on such a small gift?" He snorted. "But then again, this is Wheeler I'm talking about. I really should have expected this." But expected or not, Bakura tried for ten minutes to free the present, and only succeeded in making it even more tangled than it already was.

"Curse you!" Grabbing the tree, Bakura lifted it over his head, shaking it in a last desperate attempt. "Unhand that gift you evil plastic rip-off of nature! Unhand it I say! Unhand-"

"Santa Clause?"

Bakura froze at the small, feminine voice, a voice he knew from Battle City. He had been caught by Serenity Wheeler. He dropped the tree, and it luckily obscured the girl's view of him. But she still advanced, speaking softly.

"M-Mr. Santa? What are you doing to our tree?" Bakura bit the end of his hat, which was drooping in front of his face, down to his chin. This was not good. Not good at all. He needed to think, or else he would be caught, and fail, and in failing, would fail to stop the evil snow from continuing to plague the earth. In short, he would fail, and that was bad. But he needed to get the girl away…A light on the tree flicked above Bakura's head, and like an omen, he had an idea.

**But you know? That old thief was so smart and so slick…he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.**

"What are you doing here!" he screeched, making poor Serenity nearly jump out of her skin. "No one is to see the great Sandie Close at work! I know when you are sleeping, I know when you are awake…why are you awake, girl!" Serenity's eyes started to water as she wailed.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry Santa! I-I didn't know! I just thought I heard a girl scream and-"

"Stop rambling! And I am not a girl! And I have work to do! Now get back to bed and start having visions of sweet and sour chicken! And if you breathe a **syllable **of this to **anyone**, you'll get nothing but fat lumps of coal and Spandex for Christmas until you're sixty two! You hear me? SIXTY TWO!" Serenity started crying.

"I'm s-so sorry Santa, I-I d-d-dinn't know! Don't worry about me, I-I won't tell anyone! And Joey sleeps l-listening to the French t-t-tango music, so he never hears anything! I know, we were r-robbed last week and-"

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE! LEAVE OR FACE SANTA'S UNSPEAKABLE GELLATINE WRATH!" screamed Bakura, hopping up and down. Crying, Serenity ran upstairs, still crying out apologies.

…**Hey, I never said it was a good lie.**

Taking several deep breaths, Bakura wrenched the present out from the tree, pulling out a few branches with it, grabbed the sack and climbed out of the whole via the jump rope they had stolen from some random house. When he emerged into the cold night air, he saw Marik staring at him, eyes wide as saucers and jaw dropped to the snow covered floor. Bakura sweat dropped, scratching his cheek.

"Heh, heh…I take it you heard me?"

"…Bakura. Everyone in _Japan_ heard you."

"Yeah, well, it was the girl's fault anyway. Interrupting a master like she did." Tossing the small gift to Marik, Bakura rose the Triple S. Sleigh into the air and flew over the streets of Domino, trying to return his breathing back to normal. Marik stared at his friend before shaking his head sadly.

"Bakura. I have a confession to make."

"What's that?"

"My brain isn't lost in the Shadow Realm. It kidnapped yours and is holding it hostage for beef jerky. Your sanity tried to save it, but was lost in the battle."

Bakura twitched and turned to Marik, with an evil grin on his face.

"Oh did it now?"

O.o.O.o.O

In the dead of night, a family of pigeons were enjoying their Christmas dinner: a chipmunk who had been run over by a certain limo earlier that day. While feasting on the road kill, along with a couple left over bird seeds to wash it down, the fowl family heard a scream. Looking up they saw a large object zooming across the sky, something in it screaming something fierce. Mrs. Pigeon gave a reproachful look to Mr. Pigeon.

'_**Darling go tell those ruffians to keep it down. It's upsetting the children.'**_

'**_Yes dear.'_** Sighing, Mr. Pigeon flew up into the sky and beat his small wings very hard to keep up with the fast moving object. It was then Mr. Pigeon saw something that made him swear right then and there to lay off his Happy Pills.

A very large and very ugly reindeer with a red nose was tied with jump rope to the front of a black sleigh, screaming his head off. The driver, a man in a baggy red suit was laughing maniacally, swerving the sleigh to and fro, occasionally pressing the horn, which would in turn echo his laughter. Mr. Pigeon shook his head and flew next to the reindeer.

'**_Listen bub. My family and I are trying to enjoy a peaceful Christmas dinner, and your screaming is-'_**

"I'M GONNA PUKE!" screamed the reindeer.

'_**Look, I-'**_

"BAKURA, STOP!"

'_**Now really, this is-'**_

"I'LL BE GOOD, I SWEAR! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME AGAIN!"

"No, but that would be one swell consolation prize!"

'**_That's it! No more Mr. Nice Pigeon!'_** Rolling up his feathers, Mr. Pigeon flew right over the reindeer's head. **_'Now this is going to hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you.'_**

"WHAT? NO! NO! NICE BIRDY-ARGH! BAKURA, THE BIRD JUST USED ME FOR A TOILET!"

"Really? Brilliant!" Mr. Pigeon flew and glared at the baggy Santa, about to give him the same treatment, and stopped when he saw a piece of steak in the Santa's hand.

"It's leftovers!" he called. "And it's all yours if you can do that again!"

Mr. Pigeon smirked.

"BAKURA! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING! THE BIRD WOULDN'T-"

_Splat._

"HOLY RA, MY EYES! MY **EYES**!" Bakura laughed as Mr. Pigeon flew over to him, staring into his eyes and beating his wings furiously.

'_**Payment, up front, now. Or you're next.'**_

Bakura smirked and tossed him the piece of meat. "Pleasure doing business with you!"

'**_Likewise.'_** Smirking, Mr. Pigeon flew away, leaving the insane Santa and the wailing reindeer behind.

'**_Oh good you're back. Took you long enough,'_** said Mrs. Pigeon coolly as Mr. Pigeon landed.

'_**I had to take care of some "business" dear. Bobby, Jane! Dessert!'**_

'**_Yay!'_** And so, the Pigeon family ate their meaty Christmas dinner in peace, content and happy this Christmas Eve.

"MY EYES!"

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CF101: (clutches sides with laughter) You all don't know how fun that was to write! I love the holidays. The next chapter should probably be the last, and at the rate I'm going, should be out before Friday. I hope you enjoyed another fast update.

**1. **Shojo- Romance and/or fantasy manga.

Review please!


	4. The Chipmunks!

CF101: Well, this is it. The last chapter of How Marik and Bakura Stole Snow, Err, Christmas! I hope you all have enjoyed this story.

I own nothing but the fic. Nothing but the fic.

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Marik slowly opened his eyes, groaning as the light hit them. Muttering incoherently, he turned over, thinking he could still sleep for a few more hours this morning…

'_Morning!'_ Eyes flying open, Marik shot up, realizing that it was indeed morning. The pitch black sky was now a bluish gray, and silvery dew clung to everything. But wasn't he just…

Everything came flying back to him as Marik sat there. Last night, the stealing, the manga, Bakura scaring off the Wheeler girl, tying him to the front of the sleigh, and the bird…that cursed bird that Bakura _paid_.

"Good morn-OUCH!" Bakura fell on his butt after being socked on the nose by a _very_ angry Marik. "Heh, I guess you remember last night then?"

Angry nod.

"Yes well, it wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for your smart mouth."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't pummel you."

"…Well…uh…"

"Your stuttering speaks volumes," Marik growled, raising a fist before realizing where they were.

"Bakura! We're on Kaiba's blimp!"

"You're just noticing that?" Bakura shook his head and stood up. "Yeah, I stole his stuff last. And let me tell you, that man has one heck of a security system."

"What did he have? Lasers? Motion sensitive floors and walls?"

"No, about a hundred pit bulls. And those things **bite**!" Marik sweat dropped as Bakura continued. "Anyways, to escape the evil Chihuahuas-"

"I thought you said they were pit bulls."

"They were evil mini mutts, sheesh. Anyway, to escape the things, I hid in Kaiba's hanger, where I saw the blimp and stole it for kicks."

"For kicks?"

"Yeah. Marik, what better place to watch the mortal's reactions to what we have accomplished then from at this altitude?"

"…" Bakura sighed.

"I used too many words. Marik, the blimp is high up. We can see people's reactions better from up here. And then we can use Kaiba's screen thingie to broadcast the fact that we did it so they can worship us with snicker doodles for getting rid of the snow."

"Oh!" Marik nodded. "Why didn't you say that in the first place?" Bakura shook his head.

"There's no hope for you." Closing his eyes, the Millennium Ring began to glow again, and this time Marik saw seven portals, each showing one member of the Yugi-tachi waking up. He looked at Bakura. "Is there anything that item _can't_ do?"

"Marik, if the Millennium Ring could do everything, I would be ruling the world and Yami would be bald, running my baths and massaging my feet."

Marik chose not answer as he and Bakura watched Yugi and the others waking up that Christmas, like so many others, to find no presents under their tree.

O.o.O.o.O

Stirring, Ryou Bakura opened his eyes, snuggling deeper under the warm blankets. The temperature must have dropped overnight, because the house was much colder then it was before. Then Ryou remembered what day it was. Shooting up in bed, the teen raced out of his room, shouting for Bakura to get up. Laughing, Ryou ran into the living room, thinking that nothing would dampen his mood today…

Until he saw a mound of snow in his living room, having come through the large hole in the ceiling. Underneath the tree was a bare floor; no presents, no bows, nothing but a few ornaments that looked like they had been knocked over last night. Ryou stood there, gaping at the scene, and shivering. Then something clicked.

"No, he wouldn't…not today…" Shaking his head Ryou ran back up the stairs, still calling out his yami's name. Storming into Bakura's room, Ryou stared at an empty bed and an open window.

"BAKURA!"

O.o.O.o.O

"BAKURA!" Said yami winced at the sound of Ryou's VERY ticked off promising certain chocolate abduction voice.

"I think he found out," muttered Marik as another furious voice, this time promising a beating at the hands of sporks rang out through the city.

"MARIK! WHEN I FIND YOU, YOU'RE DEAD! YOU HEAR ME? **DEAD**!" Marik whimpered.

"Hikawi…I'm sowwy…" Bakura smacked him upside the head.

"Stop with the baby voice! We're yamis, remember? We do not use baby voices!"

"'Kura, don't confuse me again…"

"It doesn't take much to confuse you. And don't call me Kura. Malik can't hear you, so stop talking. And besides, why are you apologizing? We did a good thing, remember? We got rid of snow!" Marik blinked.

"How do you know?"

"Look around my fine blinking reindeer! Do you see white?" Marik looked over the edge of the blimp. Overnight it seemed, the snow from yesterday had turned to grayish slush, wet, mushy, and perfect for shoveling into old people's cars after breaking the windows.

"No. No white."

"Exactly! And do you see the evil flakey stuff from the land of sunshine and bunnies?" Marik shuddered again and looked up. Grayish clouds hid the sun and a few pigeons flew across the sky. Marik sent them to the Shadow Realm with a muttered curse and turned to Bakura, this time smiling.

"No evil flakey stuff! We did it Bakura! We stopped the snow!"

"NO SNOW!" they screamed, dancing around the blimp and singing. "NO SNOW, NO SNOW, NO EVIL SNOW! OH HAPPY DAY!"

"Now to make it permanent!" cried Bakura, running over to the sleigh. "To push this over the side of the blimp!"

"What!" Marik stopped dancing. "B-But the presents-"

"Must be totally eliminated if we are to _truly_ stop Christmas!" yelled Bakura, pushing the Triple S. Sleigh towards the edge of the blimp. "Now help me get it over the railing!" Sighing Marik joined his friend in pushing the sleigh. Grunting, they managed to get it on top of the railing before Marik felt something on his nose.

Something cold, small, and white.

Looking at it cross eyed, Marik's eyes widened as he saw another speck of white fall on his costume. And then another, and another…

Horrified, Bakura and Marik looked up at the sky, where the gray clouds were slowly moving, revealing a golden sun rising over the buildings, turning the blue gray sky into a mixture of dusky pink, molten gold, and sky blue. And the clouds were dropping…

…Snow. It was snowing like there was no tomorrow, coming down harder and faster until all of Domino was covered in it.

It also covered two stunned spirits, who stood gaping on the blimp, shivering. Then Marik screamed.

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" Tearing himself away from the sleigh, Marik ran around the top of the limp, pulling at his hair and screaming and crying. "No, no, no! We stole everything! I was not tied to a sleigh and used as a bird's potty for nothing! NO way in high chocolate heaven was I…The chipmunks! They planned this, the evil fiends! THE CHIPMUNKS!"

Bakura had long ago tuned out Marik's ranting, staring at the sky in numb shock. "It's impossible…" he whispered. "I stole every present in the entire city…I made sure of it! I stole it all, but it came! It came with the cold! It came with the white! It came with the evil fluffy flakes of snow! But _how?_" Lowering his head, Bakura stared at the rising sun, which bathed him and the entire city in warmth and light.

**He stood puzzled and puzzled, till he could puzzle no more. Then Bakura thought of something he hadn't before.**

"Maybe Christmas," he mused, "doesn't come from a store…Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more…" Bakura stood there with a goofy smile on his face before snorting. "Yeah right!" Turning, he walked over to Marik, who was now swiping at the snowflakes as they fell, screaming out random vegetables as he did.

"Radish! Lettuce! Squash and beans-"

"Marik!" yelled Bakura, grabbing his arm. "Marik, it's over. The snow is here, it's Christmas. We failed." Marik turned to his friend with watery eyes.

"But the snow…"

"Has won: for now. Now let's get the presents back before our hikaris get out the cheese graters." Marik winced and looked over Bakura's shoulder, his eyes widening.

"Bakura…we don't need to deliver the presents."

"Why's that?"

"Because they're falling over the railing on their own." Bakura whipped around and cried out when he saw the sleigh teetering over the edge of the railing.

"The presents! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Leaping forwards, Bakura grabbed the sleigh's bumper and began to pull. "Don't just stand there, help me!" Shrugging, Marik joined him and pulled with all his might. However, it was a hopeless situation. No matter how hard the two of them pulled, gravity pulled harder. Half of the sleigh was already over the railing, tipping downwards to the presentless city below.

"I give up," moaned Marik as they slid forward another inch.

"No! You can't stop!" screamed Bakura, clawing at the snow in an attempt to find something to hold onto.

"It's pointless…and besides," continued Marik, loosening his grip. Yelping Bakura slid forward another few inches. "It's just toys, right?"

"Wrong!" It was then that Bakura did something drastic. Letting go of the sleigh, he climbed onto the mountain of sacks holding the presents, and began searching through them, uncomfortably aware that he was now slipping more and more since Marik was seconds away from letting go completely. He then found what he was looking for.

"Marik!" Marik looked up to see Bakura standing on the top of the sack mountain, waving a comic in both hands.

"Marik if you drop this sleigh, you're manga will fall out and then old senile people will steal it, thinking it's food, and feed the pages to the pigeons and chipmunks! THE CHIPMUNKS MARIK!" Marik gasped before his eyes narrowed. Grabbing the sleigh tightly, he dug his feet into the ground. Bakura yelled in surprise as Marik lifted the sleigh over his head.

"NO ONE TOUCHES MY MANGA! YOU HEAR ME CHIPMUNKS? **NO ONE**!"

"…" Bakura stared at him, at a loss for words.

Then Marik threw the sleigh overboard.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm gonna die! Again!" screamed Bakura as he hurtled towards the ground. Then he saw Marik jump after him. Back flipping in the air, Marik landed in the driver's seat and slammed a fist on the **GO** button, speeding to the ground at 364 miles per hour. Bakura was now hanging from the bumper screaming his head off.

"I HATE MANGA!"

O.o.O.o.O

In the center of town, Yugi and the others sat, glum and miserable at the presentless Christmas.

"I'll kill them," muttered Ryou. "I'll KILL them both, and I don't care if they're already dead."

"Get in line," growled Malik, sharpening his sporks.

Yami sighed from his place at the fountain. "I can't say I didn't expect it." Yugi sniffed, sitting in Yami's lap with red and puffy eyes.

"C-Christmas is ruined."

"I don't understand…so Santa is really Bakura?" asked Serenity. "But then how does he make all the presents at the North pole if he's here all the time?" Joey sweat dropped.

"Don't worry guys!" chirped Tea. "Christmas isn't about presents, it's about love, togetherness and FRIENDSHIP! Friendship is Christmas, and the best gift of all is-"

"A muzzle for you," muttered Duke. Tea started crying.

"You're a mean friend Duke!"

"Oh woe is me."

"Hey, do you guys hear something?" asked Mai, looking at the sky.

"It sounds like someone screaming." Tristan stood up. "And whatever it is, it's coming right at us!" Screaming, the gang dived into nearby bushes as a large black sleigh crashed into the clock and fell to the ground, spewing smoke from all sides. When it cleared they could see Marik in the front seat, hugging scores of manga with a huge smile on his face, which only lit up when he saw his hikari.

"Merry Christmas Malik!"

"You!" Malik lunged at Marik. "**What did you do**?"

"Hikari stop! We stole all the presents to stop the evil snow, but then the snow came anyways, so we brought the presents back! Just don't sporkefy me!" Malik stopped in mid-lunge, landing face first into the freshly fallen snow.

"You mean," asked Joey as Malik spit out the cold substance. "That you stole all our presents…to stop the snow from falling?"

"Not just yours, all the presents in the city! Well, Bakura stole them, I just read manga and was nearly blinded by pigeon waste."

"…" The others were silent, staring at Marik in shock. Yami finally shook his head.

"It's amazing. Here I was thinking the two of them couldn't get any dumber."

"Just goes to show you, anything's possible," said Mai. "Hey, if Bakura was with you, where is he now?" As if on cue, Bakura emerged from under the sleigh, covered in soot and snow. The safety pins had fallen out in the plummet, so Bakura's Santa suit was now once again three times larger then Bakura, and the hat had fallen off. Coughing, the thief looked up to see a _very_ angry Ryou and Yami looking down at him. He sighed.

"Go ahead Pharaoh, banish me to the shadows after Ryou's finished hitting me with kitchen utensils. Anything's better then snow." Yami sighed.

"Normally I would do that, after giving you a long winded goody goody rant, which I know you _hate_." Bakura nodded. Yami smiled and held out his hand. Bakura stared at it and then at Yami, quirking an eyebrow.

"It's Christmas," said Yami with a shrug. Bakura blinked in shock, staring at Yami's hand like it was poison. Finally he grabbed it with a red gloved hand and was hoisted up.

"Thanks."

"Merry Christmas."

"Yeah, yeah, just know this changes nothing. Starting tomorrow, I'm hating you again."

"And starting tomorrow, I _will _send you to the Shadows." Bakura smirked and turned to Ryou. "You're still going to hit me, aren't you?"

Ryou smiled. "Well, you did bring the presents back. And I suppose you're stupidity is a reasonable excuse." Ryou glanced at Malik. "What do you think Malik? Should we let them off the hook for once?"

Malik shrugged. "It's Christmas," was all he said before Joey cheered and lunged at the presents. Laughing, the others joined him, spending the morning outside, opening and exchanging gifts, playing in the snow (Marik and Bakura played too. Two Words: Snowball fight. Victim: Yami) and drinking hot chocolate using the drink maker Duke had gotten from some great great aunt in Malaysia.

Bakura and Marik, surprisingly, were enjoying themselves, though were still irked by the falling snow.

"Look at it this way," said Bakura as Marik grumbled about wasting the night. "We lost the battle, but the war's still on. See, we only stole the presents in _Domino_. To stop Christmas, we need to steal all the presents in the world." Marik's eyes widened.

"You mean…we're doing this again next year?"

"Yep!" Marik groaned and was about to reply when an angry voice cut him off.

"ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT?" Looking up, Marik and the others were surprised to see Seto and Mokuba Kaiba standing in in front of their group, glaring. Well, Seto was glaring, Mokuba was all smiles and was waving to Yugi.

"Did what Kaiba?" asked Yami.

"Don't play dumb. My blimp is missing, along with all of Mokuba's Christmas presents! Now I know one of you did it, and I WILL be suing if there are any damages."

"Suing? Seto you said that you'd _pay_ the person who did it to keep quiet about your Buns of Steel video I got you for Christmas," said Mokuba, sounding oddly happy when he said this. Seto reddened as the gang laughed, Joey falling over and pounding the snow with his fists.

"Kaiba, calm down, the presents are here, safe and sound," said Bakura.

"You stole them?" asked Kaiba, now cherry red at Joey's unceasing laughter and promises of blackmail.

"Yep. Me and Marik. And we know you won't do anything to us. Know why?" Seto shook his head, teeth clenched.

"Because it's Christmas," said Bakura triumphantly. Seto growled.

"Alright then, where's the blimp?"

"Uh…" Bakura looked at Marik, whose eyes widened. "Well, you see-"

"The thing is-"

"Mr. Kaiba!" Turning around, Kaiba and the gang watched Roland ran up to them, out of breath and sounding panicked.

"What?" asked Seto curtly.

"M-Mr. Kaiba, the missing blimp, it's…it's being flown on auto pilot, but with no precise coordinates, it's-it's-"

"It's what? Out with it!" yelled Seto.

"It's-"

BOOM! Whirling around, Seto, Yugi, and the others watched in shock as a figure crashed into Kaiba Corp, causing a loud explosion. When the smoke cleared, pieces of the destroyed blimp were falling to and Kaiba Corporation was in flames.

"It's heading straight for Kaiba Corp sir," squeaked Roland. Seto gaped at his burning business before turning his gaze to Marik and Bakura, who inched backwards. Seto looked murderous, a very scary kind of murderous that put his usual Kaiba glare to pitiful shame.

"It's Christmas Kaiba!" yelled Bakura, backing up as Seto advanced. "It's Christmas!"

Seto responded by grabbing Tristan's mug, smashing it on the sleigh and waving the jagged edges at the two of them.

"It's Chris-RUN MARIK!"

"GET BACK HERE YOU BUISNESS BURNING, BUN STEALING FREAKS!" screeched Kaiba, giving chase. Marik and Bakura screamed and dodged swipes of Kaiba's mug weapon until Bakura tripped on his pants, crashing to the ground. Not even slowing down, Marik seized his friend by the ear and kept running from the crazed elder Kaiba.

"…Gee, think we should help them?" asked Mokuba.

"Of course," said Ryou as more screams were heard.

"…Next Christmas."

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CF101: (cheers) That's it! We're done! And all within less then a month! Well, that's my Christmas present to all my reviewers, this fic. Which I hoped you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing.

Thank you all SO much for all your kind reviews, you all rock. Happy Holidays!

-Computerfreak101


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